Inspiration, Motivation, random thoughts, Self Discovery, short stories

A Not So Hot Girl Summer

It is approaching the end of the summer. For those of you that don’t know, I am a high school teacher. I too, was under the false impression that summers were reserved for trips around the country, binging on Netflix series and waking up at 5pm from hangovers. This summer has been the furthest thing from that.


This week is the first week back for teachers. And although I’m excited, I’m also saddened. This summer whooped my ass!


Yes! Whooped my ass!


What had happened was…….


I started teaching later in the year. Most teachers begin the year at the end of August. I didn’t get offered a position until mid August. That being said, I didn’t start teaching early enough to disperse my payments throughout the twelve month pay schedule and had to settle for the ten month pay schedule. 


Now fast forward to the end of June. Thanks to a few scatterbrained folks who shall remain nameless (y’all know how I am), I was under the influence that I’d be paid my final check at the end of June.


So when June rolls around, I wake up with full intentions of paying all of the bills.


But when I looked at the bank account, my stomach dropped into my ass. A solid $200.




I struggled holding conversations for the rest of the day. 


Avoided eye contact with everyone.


Had a panic attack followed by a full blown meltdown. 


All before I could pull my shit together enough to figure out why. 


Well turns out May was the final paycheck and there was some “miscommunication.”


My face: 

My mind: I’ll knock all this shit over


The rest of the summer went downhill from there. 


My car broke down.


Had some outrageous family issues.


Fell short on rent and car note (and had to fully rely on my support system).


I had a book launch coming up and hadn’t purchased a single book to sell.


The one relationship that seemed hopeful crashed and burned. 


My body started shutting down and I had a medical situation that required me to have a catheter in for a little over a month. 


The uncomfort of it prevented me from adequately training for my part time job. 


I quickly spiraled into a heavy depression all while walking out of the house with a smile on my face. Not because I wanted to, but because I HAD to.


I couldn’t let anyone see. Cause who wants to see sad people? So on my way home from driving Uber til 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning…..I would just cry. Not just any old cry. That “what is life” cry. That “I think this is the end” cry. No matter how many songs I added to my “You Got This” playlist, nothing seemed to help. The advice of friends was always supportive and positive but when you are in such a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness, even that encouragement goes in one ear and out the other. 


I tried to drink it away.


I tried to write it away.




Instead of fighting the depression, I decided that this time I just needed to go ahead and allow myself to go under. I always come back up right? I had nothing else to lose or prove. It was probably one of the best decisions that I could make for myself at the time, especially with everything that I had going on. 


The day I went to have the catheter removed, the nurse asked me about any depression. And I lied. Like most people do. Like most women do. Like a majority of black women do. 


It reminded me of a time that another nurse said well it looks like you’re happy so I’m sure you’re not depressed. Telling people that they can’t be depressed because they look happy happy is such an ugly stigma. 



So when I say that this breakthrough is personal it is overcoming my obstacles is super selfish I take so much pride in knowing that I’m tougher than I think and way more temper then I gave myself credit for and now that I know I have all the tools and resources to be stronger I feel that I have a better grip on how I can control my depression. 


I have a much deeper understanding of who I am and how I got to this point there’s also a list of things and thoughts that I need to decondition myself from. 


I know who my friends are and who my friends aren’t. 


Always being the lender and never the borrower makes it hard as fuck to ask for help when needed. 


Your support system can legit make or break you. 


Hustling is mad uncomfortable. I legit didn’t think that my body could function on less than 6 hours of sleep. But here I am….functioning and shit. 


The feeling of powerlessness and helplessness is only in my mind. 


I needed to break down. I needed to fall apart. I needed to sit down. I needed to be lost. I needed to find myself again. 


So while I didn’t get the summer that I wanted, I got the summer that I needed.


A not so hot girl summer.


P.S. If you’re in this boat. Reach out. You’re not alone. I promise. People just aren’t transparent because it’s painful to admit. You’re loved. You’re valuable. And most importantly, You’re more powerful than you think!


National Suicide Prevention Hotline





mental health awareness, Self Discovery, short stories



I can’t take it much longer I say as tears fall down my eyes

Everyone sees my tears but don’t hear my silent cries

Where can I escape to

A place where I can have peace of mind

Somewhere I know I won’t be found

A place where I don’t suffer from harsh words and fierce blows

A place no one would suspect 

A place no one knows

Peaceful silent without a sound

Someone please help me escape the torment

Feelings of abuse kept inside

Thoughts of running away no longer can I hide

And the one person whom I can trust

Has an escape for all of us

For us the ones who try to escape life, love, abuse, hate

And has a plan for those who look and do not see

The pain deep down inside of me

I can’t take it much longer I say 

As tears roll down my eyes

They see the tears but do not hear the cries

If I could have one wish

I would wish to escape

And live life like I’m supposed to live it

Happy, joyful, comfortable bliss 

Now you know how me and others feel

And how everyday we love this terrifying nightmare

Please believe us. Be aware


Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

I wrote this poem when I was 13. I’m 27 now.

For 14 years I battled with and overcame suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety. I’m now at the point where I no longer battle with these thoughts, have to take meds for the panic attacks, or suffer from constant depression.

Please understand that everyone fights their battle differently. What worked for me may or may not work for you. 

I first identified all and I do mean all my triggers. People. Places. Things. I wrote them down. I grieved them. They had become an intricate part of who and what I didn’t want to become. After all the tears were gone, I then began to surround myself with positivity, laughter, peace, love and adventure until it overflowed. These are all of the things that I strive to pour into others daily. 

There is no “typical look” for a person suffering from mental illness. We tend to have the biggest smiles. Biggest hearts. Be the biggest givers. While being the biggest pretenders. Everyday we fight to avoid going back into those dark spaces.

If you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety or any mental illness, help is available. You are NOT weak. You are NOT alone. And most importantly your story is not over; 

If no one else loves you, I do

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273- TALK (8255)