Removing the Cape

So I was typing up the discussion for Black Girls Must Die Exhausted. 

Bumping Maxwell’s MTV Unplugged album- track 4. This Woman’s Work. Despite being tragically placed in the sex scene in Love and Basketball and many a first dance wedding song, the song is actually about death. 

In case you didn’t know. Go back and listen to the lyrics. And watch the video. 

So yeah.

Between the book, the music and the incense I was burning (which happened to be called “Black Woman”), I got in my feelings.

I got to thinking.

Finally, I have a job I don’t hate. An amazing apartment. Clear skin. Edges……..and in therapy. 

The insurance that I have through my job allows me to access for as little as $35 a session. I’ve been going weekly since December 5th. I went to my first session fully equipped with a plan. I wanted to commit myself to weekly sessions for at least one year. I even started a “therapy journal” last year to write down specific things I’d wanted to tackle when I finally found a therapist. 

We’re quite a few sessions in and I’m making a ton of progress. I’m telling y’all I came prepared to do “the work.” And I make sure to review all of my therapist’s notes after each session. 

The first culprit we’ve identified is PTSD (post- traumatic stress disorder). Primarily from childhood trauma. Now if you know me personally, this comes as no surprise. I’ve been pretty transparent about my upbringing. But I genuinely didn’t understand the extent to which it’d negatively impact every facet of my adult life and all of the relationships I’ve built within it. From family, to friends and lovers alike. 

The truth is. I’ve been tired for a very long time and now I’m fully coming to grips with why it’s understandable. Growing up being applauded for ensuring the wellbeing of others was not a badge of honor that I should have earned. Strength should never be rooted in anyone’s ability to put up with bullshit.

Frankly…….

I’m tired of being the strong daughter

I’m tired of being the strong sibling

I’m tired of being the strong niece

I’m tired of being the strong friend

I’m tired of being the strong colleague

The strong everything for everyone else.

And thanks to therapy, I realize that it’s okay for me to feel that way. I had to be responsible for so much at quite a young age. Just juggling everyone else’s SHIT in addition to my own. Almost to the point where I don’t even really know where anybody else’s shit ends and mine begins. Lately I’ve been working on distinguishing between the two and creating more boundaries to protect myself….FIRST.

So moving forward, I won’t be available in the same capacities that I used to be. 

I’ve taken the “strong” cape off.

It’s My Party……

And I cried because I NEEDED to,

You would cry too if you walked in my shoes.

Yesterday was my 31st birthday.

It was yet another year of celebrating life in the middle of this pandemic. Unlike most birthdays before last year, I wasn’t genuinely excited.

I knew that this year would be somewhat different since I now live in Texas and most of my family and friends live in North Carolina. 

It began as one of the most “un-birthday-est” birthdays ever. 

I’m used to celebrating throughout the week amongst friends, family and strangers alike. 

Karaoke.

Dinners.

Bar hops.

Vineyards.

Smoking cigars.

Kayaking.

Connecting with nature, 

Hood rat shit with my friends.

This pandemic forced me to do some serious shadow working.

I have had breakdowns galore. 

I have had some rough wild nights.

My support system is A1. 

This revolution around the sun is propelling me forward. I feel it. 

Leering go of the things that torement me. The things that kept me bound. The things that lived rent free in my head for far too long.

It was hindering all that I was trying to manifest.

And on my birthday things changed. 

There was shift. The good finally about to outweigh the bad. 

I got that message very loud and clear. 

Yesterday was an entire party just for me.

And dammit I cried!

Thank you all for allowing me to share this space with you in this lifetime. 

Time to rebrand.

And the award goes to…..

In spirit of one of the podcasts that’s kept me afloat this year, The Brilliant Idiots, I think that this quote is reasonable.

If you think 2020 was your best year ever, you’re absolutely right. If you think 2020 was your worst year ever, you’re right too.

Many of us don’t even have the words for what 2020 was. 

Nothing I did was on my vision board. 

My planner looked like a kindergartener had scribbled through it.

I started a new job as a middle school teacher. 

I quit that new job and moved to Texas. 

We got hit with the pandemic quarantine. 

I made $1000 Instacarting one week. 

I got fired from Instacart. 

I had to ask my friends to help me pay my bills.

I finally have a bed after sleeping on a blowup mattress for months. 

I worked at the IRS for 2 days and quit. 

I worked at a hospital for a month. 

I fell in love again. 

If that isn’t Oscar worthy, I don’t know what is. 

2020 showed its ass. 

I’m actually eager to see what 2021 has in store. I’m rather used to this Jordan Peele production we’ve been in for 90% of 2020. 

I’m looking forward to all of the creative ideas being birthed from this pandemic. All of the healthy conversations that are taking place. People are reading again. People are writing again. Strangers are networking. Folks are finally pursuing their passions. 

I love to see it. 

Please do set intentions. 

Please do the shadow work. 

Manifest that shit!

2020. Deuces!

Escaping Survival Mode

According to Psychology Today, “survival mode” is an adaptive response of the human body to help us survive danger and stress. 

From the outside looking in, many people would assume that I had an overall healthy childhood and adolescence. I was raised by my grandparents in the country. I got good grades. I never came off as disobedient. My yes mams and no sirs were always polished. Despite being a “good kid” raised in a super religious household, my life has never been exempt from trauma and dysfunction. I am almost certain that I’ve suffered from depression for years undiagnosed. 

I recently read and shared an article that discussed the immobilizing effects of depression. I recognized myself immediately. I wasn’t in a position to get out of the environment that I was in so I mentally became immobile. I don’t remember how I learned to control my rage. How to play along. How to seemingly “fit” into that world until I could get out of it.

Fast forward to now.

At 30. Far removed from the people, places and things that brought the trauma and dysfunction into my life, I still catch myself functioning in survival mode.

It is very difficult to escape this mindset.

I’m constantly reminding myself. I question my decisions alot. Why am I doing this? When it’s time for me to make important decisions I ask myself if I’m doing what I want to do or what needs to be done? Anything involving money and I’m asking if I’m buying an item from a headspace of lack.

Whatever helps right?

To the person that resonates with this blog:

1. How are you or have you been working on escaping a mindself of survival mode?
2. What has been your biggest challenge?

They Say

This week, I spent quite a bit of time in my local used bookstore. Honestly, it’s more of a happy place than anything else and I often find myself getting “lost” amongst the shelves for hours at a time. 

One book in particular has been calling to me for quite some time and I’d done my best to resist it up until this week.  

If you’re a bookworm like myself, you know exactly what I mean about books “calling.” That book was Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. 

Yeah that one. Every millionaire, finance expert and money guru has preached about this book in particular. Personally I didn’t think I was ready to have that conversation about myself as I was seriously (not seriously) enjoying the financial pity parties that I was throwing for myself. 

But alas, I got my hands on a copy and even got my boyfriend a copy as well so that we could read together and discuss it. 

I started reading it in the car and before I knew it, I had spent fifteen minutes in my car reading. 

I COULD NOT PUT THE DAMN BOOK DOWN.

So I’m reading and trying not to highlight half the damn book as I go and I stumble on a quote that triggered me. 

If the thing you wish to do is right, and you believe in it, go ahead and do it! Put your dream across, and never mind what “they” say if you meet with temporary defeat, for “they,” perhaps, do not know that EVERY FAILURE BRINGS WITH IT THE SEED OF AN EQUIVALENT SUCCESS.

I think that sometimes we are conditioned to seek counsel from others before making steps forward. 

I remember all of the “theysayers” in my life as I was figuring out my plans post high school. 

Plan A was the military. 

“They” told me not to go into the military because I would be killed (as if I couldn’t be killed as a civilian just as easily).

I spoke about how my corporate job was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. 

“They” told me to “play the corporate games” because I didn’t need to quit my job without six month’s worth of savings or a new position lined up. 

I could go on and on. 

The point is, hardly ever will “they” tell you to do what you want to do or what’s best for you.

Who are the “they” people in your life?

Are “they” holding you back? Are “they” pushing you to go forward?

Be mindful of the “theysayers” in your life.

Most times “they” don’t know what they’re talking about.

Nine times out of ten, “theysayers” operate in fear.

“They” also have their own concerns, fears, and insecurities that “they” are wanting to project onto you. And the moment that you go against the grain and things fall apart, they rush to remind you that “a hard head makes a soft ass, or I told you so” or whatever the fuck else makes them feel good about being right about your situation. 

But they are nowhere to be found when things go right. Or, they change up the narrative to give you a faux congrats and the “I knew you could do it” bullshit. 

It happens. 

But as Napoleon said, EVERY FAILURE BRINGS WITH IT THE SEED OF AN EQUIVALENT SUCCESS. 

I’ve tried and failed at many things. The things I’ve failed at provided tools and resources that led to my successes. The things I’ve succeeded at were the very things that “they” didn’t believe I’d succeed in. But then again, who the hell sets the standard for success anyway?

YOU DO!

Perhaps you find yourself surrounded by “theysayers” who also function as the “naysayers” in your life. I’m here (along with Napoleon) to remind you to pursue that passion that keeps you up at night. 

FUCK WHAT “THEY” SAY

CORONAVIRUS, THAT SHIT IS REAL

None of us saw it coming.

I’d just driven half way across the country to start my new journey in Texas.

Happy as hell to be working 2 jobs.

On the brink of my 30th birthday.

Finally adjusting to the hustle and bustle of Austin tolls and traffic.

Enjoying all the soldier eye candy at Walmart.

Then boom.

CORONA VIRUS! THAT SHIT IS REAL!

Just when I started feeling more inner peace again. Gotten my anxiety and depression back under control.

Just as I was preparing to show Texas just how ready I was to take it on.

A whole world epidemic. Like the whole world.

Now I find myself, the social butterfly that I am, being forced to sacrifice a bit of my “extrovertedness” for the sake of humanity.

Literally.

Luckily I’ve been keeping myself informed, entertained and calm during this “new norm.”

As always, I wanted to share some ideas on a few things that you can do (mostly things I’ve been doing). Below is my suggested list of “things to do during Da Rona.”

Clean Up Those Emails

I don’t know when, why or how my inbox got up to 3,674 emails. I don’t know that many people. I don’t even conduct that much business. Since going through said emails, I’ve realized three things. One, I need to stop giving my email to the masses. The next time a store asks for my email, I HAVE to decline. Two, I need to check my emails more often. Read then delete. That way they won’t just collect. Three, remember that there is always an “unsubscribe” button or “manage my preferences” link at the bottom of the email. Use it.

Freshen Up Your Resume

COVID-19 served as a brutal reminder for many of us, our jobs aren’t secure. So, when was the last time you looked at your resume? Do you have one? If you had to explain what you do in your role, could you? There are hella resources available online to help and/or tweak your resume. Go even further. When was the last time that you looked at how much the job market is paying for your skillset? What if you find out that you’re being underpaid and overworked? What’s next?

Start/Create A Workout Routine

Umm. We may be confined to our homes but we can still go outside. You do know that the primary source of Vitamin D is the sun right? Even if it’s only for ten minutes. Breathe some fresh air. Walk to the mailbox. Jump some rope. Smell some flowers. Put your feet in some grass. Since being in the house, I decided to start walking at least a mile everyday since I’ve been snacking. Now is a good time to remember that summer body that you promised yourself.

Your 2020 Vision Board

Where the hell is it? It’s March. What’s checked off? What can be rearranged? What’s new since COVID-19 displaced your original plans? Have you decided to start a new business? Do you need to completely ditch your old vision board? Have you been inspired to create a new one? What are some habits that have hindered you thus far? How do you plan to address them?

What’s In Your Closet

When was the last time you took an inventory of your “drip?” What still has tags on it? I forced myself to toss everything that I haven’t worn within the last three months into a Plato’s Closet “sell” pile. The same goes for shoes. Purses. Hats. Scarves. Old bridesmaid dresses. All of it. I had to ask myself……do I really need all of these clothes? The answer is always no. Now everything is organized. Business in the front. Party in the back.

Learn A New Skill

Everything that you could possibly want to know is somewhere on Al Gore’s internet. There are plenty of free and paid resources online and of course my favorite go-to- YouTube University. Anything that you can imagine is likely readily accessible to you. Photography. Makeup. Basketweaving. I’m currently learning Scrum and Agile concepts to make myself more marketable. Can’t find what you’re looking for online? Ask an expert. Someone somewhere knows what you are wanting to learn. But don’t be showed if they require a fee. Be mindful that this can be considered a consultation. It’s business. Not personal.

Reflect

Ask yourself, am I living the life that I want? Am I simply living and not existing? How and when did shit go left? Sometimes we get accustomed to the hustle and bustle of everyday life and now we are forced to sit still and self-reflect. This process isn’t easy even for folks that do it intentionally. Be gentle with yourself and remember that at any moment, you can change the narrative.

Phone A Friend

Using this time to catch up with friends has proved to be super therapeutic. If you’re anything life me, you prefer video calls over phone calls and texts. Apps and services such as FaceTime, Facebook Messenger and WhatsApp are clutch when you want to connect with loved ones. I love seeing faces. I’ve taken advantage of this time to catch up without having to wear pants or leave home.

Hi….My Name Is….

Are your friends considered “essential?” Are they stuck at work and you aren’t? What better time than now to meet new people…virtually and in passing of course. Keep those 6 feet. There are plenty of people online to strike up conversations with. It’s simply a matter of being strategic about how and when to initiate the conversation. And don’t be a creep. I mean, look at how many of us showed up for “Club Rona” online!

Take A Look, It’s In A Book

Remember when you said that you wanted to read more this year? Well. What book did you choose? There’s still time. All pun intended. If you prefer to read as part of a collective, there are a ton of online communities to be actively engaged in. Now, more than ever, I’m seriously considering revamping Pretty Dope Reads Book Club to be an online platform. Oh, and don’t forget Audible. Reading is fundamental but comprehension is the goal. Can’t find a book you want to read? Write one.

Again. These are only suggestions. It is also okay to rest. To relax. To do absolutely nothing. We have always lived in uncertain times but this shit here takes the cake. My prayer is that you stay safe but most importantly sane. For those of us with anxiety and depression, this is a very vulnerable time. Try to find the silver lining in everyday. This too shall pass.

This is 30

Happy New Year to me!

30 is supposedly that pivotal age where you’re supposed to have it all figured out. I always thought that I’d be approaching 30 as a young woman thriving in the career of her dreams. With the love of my life. In a loving home. With a few rugrats running around said home.

Man. Let me tell you about 30.

As 29 was coming to a close, I did a ton of soul searching and reflecting. I’d lived in NC my entire life. I had a few “almost” attempts to leave but never actually went through with the decision.

One day, I had a purely honest moment with myself.

Rock. This ain’t it! This isn’t the life intended for you boo.

Here I was. 29. No husband. No boyfriend. No kids (well Milo). I felt STUCK. Stuck in a job that was surely leading me to an early grave. Gifts and talents that weren’t being put to good use. And degrees that were collecting dust. It was time for a change.

30 had to be different.

Today is my birthday. I gifted myself with an entire new life in Texas. I am happy. I am grateful. This is by far the most peace that I’ve had in a long time.

Everything I thought I wanted. Everything I thought I knew.

All out the window.

Despite the thought of living with my sister and brother-in-law at 30. Despite not knowing how long I’ll be here. Despite COVID-19. Despite not knowing what the future holds for myself. Or those that I love. Or you reading this blog.

30 is a reminder that at any moment, you can change the narrative of you life.

30 is a reminder that no matter how much you think you’re in control, you’re not.

30 is a reminder that 30 looks, sounds and feels different for everyone.

30 is a reminder that I’m stronger than I think and wiser than I give myself credit for.

30 is a reminder that it’s never too late for what you deserve.

This is 30. And it’s pretty fuckin lit.

If You Think You’re Lonely Now

It’s happening again.

You texted him.

You looked at the text thread.

Bubbles.

He’s responding.

Or so you thought.

And now, here it is five hours later.

Still no response.

Your mind’s wandering. What happened? You go back to reread the last message sent. Was it something you said? Grammatical error? Too long? Corny? What was it? Why hasn’t he responded yet. Why does this keep happening?

Yeah that was me a few weeks ago. Just a tad bit delirious but nothing too major right? Bothered. Freaking out.

OVER

A

DAMN

TEXT

MESSAGE.

Who? What? When? Where? How did I get to this point?

I was “worried” about a person that clearly wasn’t worried about me.

The desperation was real and I knew that the only person that could help me pull my shit together……was me.

So what did I do?

I pulled up…….to Michaels.

I walked down the bead aisle and I picked out all of the colors that caught my eye. I checked out with about $50 worth of beads and cording. I went home. I sat at my desk and decided that I didn’t want to be waiting anymore. For anyone to think about me. For a text message. For anyone to see my value.

I made bracelets and posted them online for sale and walked away from my phone. What started out as a creative outlet to get me out of my feelings revamped an old business venture that I had veered away from. Another stream of income.

In 2018, after quitting my job I started making bracelets and waist beads for money. I had a few folks that purchased them. But business wasn’t consistent enough and I eventually put my crafting talents away.

The thing is, it wasn’t the right time to pursue those talents. That’s just how the universe works.

I needed to be lonely. Desperate even. At that present moment. At that present time. To have those feelings that led me back to crafting, so that I wouldn’t be “distracted.”

Ponder upon the distractions in your life. What else could you be doing if you were focused? Could you start the business that you’ve been dreaming about? Could you read the book that’s been on the coffee table? Could you devote more time to accomplishing your goals?

I encourage you to think about those creative pursuits that you’ve set aside. Neglected. Abandoned even. Creativity is a healthy outlet and lately I’ve been finding that the more frustrated that I get with things in my life, the more creative I get.

And since the end of 2019, business for me has been booming. These bracelets, waist beads and now bookmarks have been taking me to some pretty dope places and I foresee them taking me even further in 2020.

So, if you think you’re lonely now, wait until you discover what the universe is trying to show you.

 

Trending Topic: Self-Care

“You know I’m working on my self-care”

“I took today off for a self-care day”

“I haven’t had a self-care day in a minute”

Self-care is the new trending buzzword and for once we have something that is actually beneficial. As with anything that becomes “popular” via social media, many folks are oblivious to what it entails or how to ease yourself (or dive head first) into it.

So here are a few basics.

Self-care isn’t practiced for other people. It’s for you.

Don’t let the internet trick you into thinking that you have to book solo vacations to outer space or meditation for twelve hours to practice a form of self-care. I’m a bookworm. My best self-care days are spent reading self-help books for an hour, writing while having a glass of wine or writing love notes and affirmations to myself. Sometimes my self-care allows me to focus on my physical care. At least once a month I try to do a deep cleansing face mask, getting a full body massage, having a photoshoot or getting a Brazilian wax. While these things aren’t mandatory, they are conscious choices to help me feel better about myself. FOR MYSELF.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. We’ve been tricked to believe that we can pour from an empty cups. We can’t.

I’ll admit that my self-care hasn’t always been a priority. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people that was taught to always put the needs of others before your own. Otherwise, you’re being selfish. And who wants to be around selfish people right?

As a teacher, my cup gets emptied everyday. As a matter of fact, my middle schoolers leave me with holes at the bottom of my cup on a daily. Switching from high schoolers to middle schoolers wasn’t quite the best decision that I made last year. The transition has forced me to place my self-care under a microscopic lens.

Each day I come home and burn candles. They help me to release the cares and frustrations of the day. I try to give myself thirty minutes to do nothing but sit in silence to collect myself. Some days I’m successful. Other days my mind won’t stop wandering. The main goal is to be as consistent as possible.

Last year, I decided to dedicate one full day each week to my self-care. No excuses. My day is Sunday. Every Sunday I have to say “no” to anything that I don’t genuinely want to do. If I don’t want to be around people, that’s cool. If I want to be around a large crowd, that’s cool as well just as long as it’s something that “I” want to do. Most Sundays I try to focus on my solitude. I try not to hang out unless it’s an activity that REQUIRES other people to be around such as workshops or group yoga.  I try not to check my phone or social media. Sometimes I simply stay in bed watching movies. Sometimes I sit at my desk and craft in silence for hours. Regardless of what it is, it’s what I want to do and I’m at peace while doing it. Which leads to my next point.

Self-care can be as simple as you’d like it to be.

I begin each day with gratitude. As soon as I wake up, I say “thank you” out loud. I pray that today be yesterday and set intentions for the remainder of the day. My self-care is loaded with gratitude and reflection.

The beginning of a new year is an exceptional time to re-evaluate how you view your self-care. It’s also the perfect time to start and continue practicing healthy self-care habits. Self-care should be a PRIORITY and never an OPTION.

What will you do for YOURSELF in 2020? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Share in the comments below.

In NC? Need suggestions for businesses that promote self-care? See my list below.

Massage Therapists: https://www.facebook.com/erinthelmbt/ and https://kawellnesscenter.com

Estheticians: https://www.vagaro.com/oasison5th and https://www.facebook.com/pg/ToyMakesFaces/services/?ref=page_internal

Soy Based Candles: https://lytsoycandleco.onuniverse.com/ and https://www.etsy.com/shop/IlluminationbyIV?ref=search_shop_redirect

Dance Fitness: https://www.candaceliger.com/jahration-nation and https://www.facebook.com/groups/KILLAHMOVES/?ref=share

Yoga: https://www.soulflowerwellnessnc.com/

Personal Training: www.cwbfitness.com

A Not So Hot Girl Summer

It is approaching the end of the summer. For those of you that don’t know, I am a high school teacher. I too, was under the false impression that summers were reserved for trips around the country, binging on Netflix series and waking up at 5pm from hangovers. This summer has been the furthest thing from that.

 

This week is the first week back for teachers. And although I’m excited, I’m also saddened. This summer whooped my ass!

 

Yes! Whooped my ass!

 

What had happened was…….

 

I started teaching later in the year. Most teachers begin the year at the end of August. I didn’t get offered a position until mid August. That being said, I didn’t start teaching early enough to disperse my payments throughout the twelve month pay schedule and had to settle for the ten month pay schedule. 

 

Now fast forward to the end of June. Thanks to a few scatterbrained folks who shall remain nameless (y’all know how I am), I was under the influence that I’d be paid my final check at the end of June.

 

So when June rolls around, I wake up with full intentions of paying all of the bills.

 

But when I looked at the bank account, my stomach dropped into my ass. A solid $200.

 

 

I struggled holding conversations for the rest of the day. 

 

Avoided eye contact with everyone.

 

Had a panic attack followed by a full blown meltdown. 

 

All before I could pull my shit together enough to figure out why. 

 

Well turns out May was the final paycheck and there was some “miscommunication.”

 

My face: 

My mind: I’ll knock all this shit over

 

The rest of the summer went downhill from there. 

 

My car broke down.

 

Had some outrageous family issues.

 

Fell short on rent and car note (and had to fully rely on my support system).

 

I had a book launch coming up and hadn’t purchased a single book to sell.

 

The one relationship that seemed hopeful crashed and burned. 

 

My body started shutting down and I had a medical situation that required me to have a catheter in for a little over a month. 

 

The uncomfort of it prevented me from adequately training for my part time job. 

 

I quickly spiraled into a heavy depression all while walking out of the house with a smile on my face. Not because I wanted to, but because I HAD to.

 

I couldn’t let anyone see. Cause who wants to see sad people? So on my way home from driving Uber til 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning…..I would just cry. Not just any old cry. That “what is life” cry. That “I think this is the end” cry. No matter how many songs I added to my “You Got This” playlist, nothing seemed to help. The advice of friends was always supportive and positive but when you are in such a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness, even that encouragement goes in one ear and out the other. 

 

I tried to drink it away.

 

I tried to write it away.

 

 

Instead of fighting the depression, I decided that this time I just needed to go ahead and allow myself to go under. I always come back up right? I had nothing else to lose or prove. It was probably one of the best decisions that I could make for myself at the time, especially with everything that I had going on. 

 

The day I went to have the catheter removed, the nurse asked me about any depression. And I lied. Like most people do. Like most women do. Like a majority of black women do. 

 

It reminded me of a time that another nurse said well it looks like you’re happy so I’m sure you’re not depressed. Telling people that they can’t be depressed because they look happy happy is such an ugly stigma. 

 

 

So when I say that this breakthrough is personal it is overcoming my obstacles is super selfish I take so much pride in knowing that I’m tougher than I think and way more temper then I gave myself credit for and now that I know I have all the tools and resources to be stronger I feel that I have a better grip on how I can control my depression. 

 

I have a much deeper understanding of who I am and how I got to this point there’s also a list of things and thoughts that I need to decondition myself from. 

 

I know who my friends are and who my friends aren’t. 

 

Always being the lender and never the borrower makes it hard as fuck to ask for help when needed. 

 

Your support system can legit make or break you. 

 

Hustling is mad uncomfortable. I legit didn’t think that my body could function on less than 6 hours of sleep. But here I am….functioning and shit. 

 

The feeling of powerlessness and helplessness is only in my mind. 

 

I needed to break down. I needed to fall apart. I needed to sit down. I needed to be lost. I needed to find myself again. 

 

So while I didn’t get the summer that I wanted, I got the summer that I needed.

 

A not so hot girl summer.

 

P.S. If you’re in this boat. Reach out. You’re not alone. I promise. People just aren’t transparent because it’s painful to admit. You’re loved. You’re valuable. And most importantly, You’re more powerful than you think!

 

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

 

1-800-273-TALK

1-800-273-8255