It’s My Party……

And I cried because I NEEDED to,

You would cry too if you walked in my shoes.

Yesterday was my 31st birthday.

It was yet another year of celebrating life in the middle of this pandemic. Unlike most birthdays before last year, I wasn’t genuinely excited.

I knew that this year would be somewhat different since I now live in Texas and most of my family and friends live in North Carolina. 

It began as one of the most “un-birthday-est” birthdays ever. 

I’m used to celebrating throughout the week amongst friends, family and strangers alike. 

Karaoke.

Dinners.

Bar hops.

Vineyards.

Smoking cigars.

Kayaking.

Connecting with nature, 

Hood rat shit with my friends.

This pandemic forced me to do some serious shadow working.

I have had breakdowns galore. 

I have had some rough wild nights.

My support system is A1. 

This revolution around the sun is propelling me forward. I feel it. 

Leering go of the things that torement me. The things that kept me bound. The things that lived rent free in my head for far too long.

It was hindering all that I was trying to manifest.

And on my birthday things changed. 

There was shift. The good finally about to outweigh the bad. 

I got that message very loud and clear. 

Yesterday was an entire party just for me.

And dammit I cried!

Thank you all for allowing me to share this space with you in this lifetime. 

Time to rebrand.

Escaping Survival Mode

According to Psychology Today, “survival mode” is an adaptive response of the human body to help us survive danger and stress. 

From the outside looking in, many people would assume that I had an overall healthy childhood and adolescence. I was raised by my grandparents in the country. I got good grades. I never came off as disobedient. My yes mams and no sirs were always polished. Despite being a “good kid” raised in a super religious household, my life has never been exempt from trauma and dysfunction. I am almost certain that I’ve suffered from depression for years undiagnosed. 

I recently read and shared an article that discussed the immobilizing effects of depression. I recognized myself immediately. I wasn’t in a position to get out of the environment that I was in so I mentally became immobile. I don’t remember how I learned to control my rage. How to play along. How to seemingly “fit” into that world until I could get out of it.

Fast forward to now.

At 30. Far removed from the people, places and things that brought the trauma and dysfunction into my life, I still catch myself functioning in survival mode.

It is very difficult to escape this mindset.

I’m constantly reminding myself. I question my decisions alot. Why am I doing this? When it’s time for me to make important decisions I ask myself if I’m doing what I want to do or what needs to be done? Anything involving money and I’m asking if I’m buying an item from a headspace of lack.

Whatever helps right?

To the person that resonates with this blog:

1. How are you or have you been working on escaping a mindself of survival mode?
2. What has been your biggest challenge?

They Say

This week, I spent quite a bit of time in my local used bookstore. Honestly, it’s more of a happy place than anything else and I often find myself getting “lost” amongst the shelves for hours at a time. 

One book in particular has been calling to me for quite some time and I’d done my best to resist it up until this week.  

If you’re a bookworm like myself, you know exactly what I mean about books “calling.” That book was Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. 

Yeah that one. Every millionaire, finance expert and money guru has preached about this book in particular. Personally I didn’t think I was ready to have that conversation about myself as I was seriously (not seriously) enjoying the financial pity parties that I was throwing for myself. 

But alas, I got my hands on a copy and even got my boyfriend a copy as well so that we could read together and discuss it. 

I started reading it in the car and before I knew it, I had spent fifteen minutes in my car reading. 

I COULD NOT PUT THE DAMN BOOK DOWN.

So I’m reading and trying not to highlight half the damn book as I go and I stumble on a quote that triggered me. 

If the thing you wish to do is right, and you believe in it, go ahead and do it! Put your dream across, and never mind what “they” say if you meet with temporary defeat, for “they,” perhaps, do not know that EVERY FAILURE BRINGS WITH IT THE SEED OF AN EQUIVALENT SUCCESS.

I think that sometimes we are conditioned to seek counsel from others before making steps forward. 

I remember all of the “theysayers” in my life as I was figuring out my plans post high school. 

Plan A was the military. 

“They” told me not to go into the military because I would be killed (as if I couldn’t be killed as a civilian just as easily).

I spoke about how my corporate job was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. 

“They” told me to “play the corporate games” because I didn’t need to quit my job without six month’s worth of savings or a new position lined up. 

I could go on and on. 

The point is, hardly ever will “they” tell you to do what you want to do or what’s best for you.

Who are the “they” people in your life?

Are “they” holding you back? Are “they” pushing you to go forward?

Be mindful of the “theysayers” in your life.

Most times “they” don’t know what they’re talking about.

Nine times out of ten, “theysayers” operate in fear.

“They” also have their own concerns, fears, and insecurities that “they” are wanting to project onto you. And the moment that you go against the grain and things fall apart, they rush to remind you that “a hard head makes a soft ass, or I told you so” or whatever the fuck else makes them feel good about being right about your situation. 

But they are nowhere to be found when things go right. Or, they change up the narrative to give you a faux congrats and the “I knew you could do it” bullshit. 

It happens. 

But as Napoleon said, EVERY FAILURE BRINGS WITH IT THE SEED OF AN EQUIVALENT SUCCESS. 

I’ve tried and failed at many things. The things I’ve failed at provided tools and resources that led to my successes. The things I’ve succeeded at were the very things that “they” didn’t believe I’d succeed in. But then again, who the hell sets the standard for success anyway?

YOU DO!

Perhaps you find yourself surrounded by “theysayers” who also function as the “naysayers” in your life. I’m here (along with Napoleon) to remind you to pursue that passion that keeps you up at night. 

FUCK WHAT “THEY” SAY

CORONAVIRUS, THAT SHIT IS REAL

None of us saw it coming.

I’d just driven half way across the country to start my new journey in Texas.

Happy as hell to be working 2 jobs.

On the brink of my 30th birthday.

Finally adjusting to the hustle and bustle of Austin tolls and traffic.

Enjoying all the soldier eye candy at Walmart.

Then boom.

CORONA VIRUS! THAT SHIT IS REAL!

Just when I started feeling more inner peace again. Gotten my anxiety and depression back under control.

Just as I was preparing to show Texas just how ready I was to take it on.

A whole world epidemic. Like the whole world.

Now I find myself, the social butterfly that I am, being forced to sacrifice a bit of my “extrovertedness” for the sake of humanity.

Literally.

Luckily I’ve been keeping myself informed, entertained and calm during this “new norm.”

As always, I wanted to share some ideas on a few things that you can do (mostly things I’ve been doing). Below is my suggested list of “things to do during Da Rona.”

Clean Up Those Emails

I don’t know when, why or how my inbox got up to 3,674 emails. I don’t know that many people. I don’t even conduct that much business. Since going through said emails, I’ve realized three things. One, I need to stop giving my email to the masses. The next time a store asks for my email, I HAVE to decline. Two, I need to check my emails more often. Read then delete. That way they won’t just collect. Three, remember that there is always an “unsubscribe” button or “manage my preferences” link at the bottom of the email. Use it.

Freshen Up Your Resume

COVID-19 served as a brutal reminder for many of us, our jobs aren’t secure. So, when was the last time you looked at your resume? Do you have one? If you had to explain what you do in your role, could you? There are hella resources available online to help and/or tweak your resume. Go even further. When was the last time that you looked at how much the job market is paying for your skillset? What if you find out that you’re being underpaid and overworked? What’s next?

Start/Create A Workout Routine

Umm. We may be confined to our homes but we can still go outside. You do know that the primary source of Vitamin D is the sun right? Even if it’s only for ten minutes. Breathe some fresh air. Walk to the mailbox. Jump some rope. Smell some flowers. Put your feet in some grass. Since being in the house, I decided to start walking at least a mile everyday since I’ve been snacking. Now is a good time to remember that summer body that you promised yourself.

Your 2020 Vision Board

Where the hell is it? It’s March. What’s checked off? What can be rearranged? What’s new since COVID-19 displaced your original plans? Have you decided to start a new business? Do you need to completely ditch your old vision board? Have you been inspired to create a new one? What are some habits that have hindered you thus far? How do you plan to address them?

What’s In Your Closet

When was the last time you took an inventory of your “drip?” What still has tags on it? I forced myself to toss everything that I haven’t worn within the last three months into a Plato’s Closet “sell” pile. The same goes for shoes. Purses. Hats. Scarves. Old bridesmaid dresses. All of it. I had to ask myself……do I really need all of these clothes? The answer is always no. Now everything is organized. Business in the front. Party in the back.

Learn A New Skill

Everything that you could possibly want to know is somewhere on Al Gore’s internet. There are plenty of free and paid resources online and of course my favorite go-to- YouTube University. Anything that you can imagine is likely readily accessible to you. Photography. Makeup. Basketweaving. I’m currently learning Scrum and Agile concepts to make myself more marketable. Can’t find what you’re looking for online? Ask an expert. Someone somewhere knows what you are wanting to learn. But don’t be showed if they require a fee. Be mindful that this can be considered a consultation. It’s business. Not personal.

Reflect

Ask yourself, am I living the life that I want? Am I simply living and not existing? How and when did shit go left? Sometimes we get accustomed to the hustle and bustle of everyday life and now we are forced to sit still and self-reflect. This process isn’t easy even for folks that do it intentionally. Be gentle with yourself and remember that at any moment, you can change the narrative.

Phone A Friend

Using this time to catch up with friends has proved to be super therapeutic. If you’re anything life me, you prefer video calls over phone calls and texts. Apps and services such as FaceTime, Facebook Messenger and WhatsApp are clutch when you want to connect with loved ones. I love seeing faces. I’ve taken advantage of this time to catch up without having to wear pants or leave home.

Hi….My Name Is….

Are your friends considered “essential?” Are they stuck at work and you aren’t? What better time than now to meet new people…virtually and in passing of course. Keep those 6 feet. There are plenty of people online to strike up conversations with. It’s simply a matter of being strategic about how and when to initiate the conversation. And don’t be a creep. I mean, look at how many of us showed up for “Club Rona” online!

Take A Look, It’s In A Book

Remember when you said that you wanted to read more this year? Well. What book did you choose? There’s still time. All pun intended. If you prefer to read as part of a collective, there are a ton of online communities to be actively engaged in. Now, more than ever, I’m seriously considering revamping Pretty Dope Reads Book Club to be an online platform. Oh, and don’t forget Audible. Reading is fundamental but comprehension is the goal. Can’t find a book you want to read? Write one.

Again. These are only suggestions. It is also okay to rest. To relax. To do absolutely nothing. We have always lived in uncertain times but this shit here takes the cake. My prayer is that you stay safe but most importantly sane. For those of us with anxiety and depression, this is a very vulnerable time. Try to find the silver lining in everyday. This too shall pass.

This is 30

Happy New Year to me!

30 is supposedly that pivotal age where you’re supposed to have it all figured out. I always thought that I’d be approaching 30 as a young woman thriving in the career of her dreams. With the love of my life. In a loving home. With a few rugrats running around said home.

Man. Let me tell you about 30.

As 29 was coming to a close, I did a ton of soul searching and reflecting. I’d lived in NC my entire life. I had a few “almost” attempts to leave but never actually went through with the decision.

One day, I had a purely honest moment with myself.

Rock. This ain’t it! This isn’t the life intended for you boo.

Here I was. 29. No husband. No boyfriend. No kids (well Milo). I felt STUCK. Stuck in a job that was surely leading me to an early grave. Gifts and talents that weren’t being put to good use. And degrees that were collecting dust. It was time for a change.

30 had to be different.

Today is my birthday. I gifted myself with an entire new life in Texas. I am happy. I am grateful. This is by far the most peace that I’ve had in a long time.

Everything I thought I wanted. Everything I thought I knew.

All out the window.

Despite the thought of living with my sister and brother-in-law at 30. Despite not knowing how long I’ll be here. Despite COVID-19. Despite not knowing what the future holds for myself. Or those that I love. Or you reading this blog.

30 is a reminder that at any moment, you can change the narrative of you life.

30 is a reminder that no matter how much you think you’re in control, you’re not.

30 is a reminder that 30 looks, sounds and feels different for everyone.

30 is a reminder that I’m stronger than I think and wiser than I give myself credit for.

30 is a reminder that it’s never too late for what you deserve.

This is 30. And it’s pretty fuckin lit.

A Not So Hot Girl Summer

It is approaching the end of the summer. For those of you that don’t know, I am a high school teacher. I too, was under the false impression that summers were reserved for trips around the country, binging on Netflix series and waking up at 5pm from hangovers. This summer has been the furthest thing from that.

 

This week is the first week back for teachers. And although I’m excited, I’m also saddened. This summer whooped my ass!

 

Yes! Whooped my ass!

 

What had happened was…….

 

I started teaching later in the year. Most teachers begin the year at the end of August. I didn’t get offered a position until mid August. That being said, I didn’t start teaching early enough to disperse my payments throughout the twelve month pay schedule and had to settle for the ten month pay schedule. 

 

Now fast forward to the end of June. Thanks to a few scatterbrained folks who shall remain nameless (y’all know how I am), I was under the influence that I’d be paid my final check at the end of June.

 

So when June rolls around, I wake up with full intentions of paying all of the bills.

 

But when I looked at the bank account, my stomach dropped into my ass. A solid $200.

 

 

I struggled holding conversations for the rest of the day. 

 

Avoided eye contact with everyone.

 

Had a panic attack followed by a full blown meltdown. 

 

All before I could pull my shit together enough to figure out why. 

 

Well turns out May was the final paycheck and there was some “miscommunication.”

 

My face: 

My mind: I’ll knock all this shit over

 

The rest of the summer went downhill from there. 

 

My car broke down.

 

Had some outrageous family issues.

 

Fell short on rent and car note (and had to fully rely on my support system).

 

I had a book launch coming up and hadn’t purchased a single book to sell.

 

The one relationship that seemed hopeful crashed and burned. 

 

My body started shutting down and I had a medical situation that required me to have a catheter in for a little over a month. 

 

The uncomfort of it prevented me from adequately training for my part time job. 

 

I quickly spiraled into a heavy depression all while walking out of the house with a smile on my face. Not because I wanted to, but because I HAD to.

 

I couldn’t let anyone see. Cause who wants to see sad people? So on my way home from driving Uber til 2 and 3 o’clock in the morning…..I would just cry. Not just any old cry. That “what is life” cry. That “I think this is the end” cry. No matter how many songs I added to my “You Got This” playlist, nothing seemed to help. The advice of friends was always supportive and positive but when you are in such a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness, even that encouragement goes in one ear and out the other. 

 

I tried to drink it away.

 

I tried to write it away.

 

 

Instead of fighting the depression, I decided that this time I just needed to go ahead and allow myself to go under. I always come back up right? I had nothing else to lose or prove. It was probably one of the best decisions that I could make for myself at the time, especially with everything that I had going on. 

 

The day I went to have the catheter removed, the nurse asked me about any depression. And I lied. Like most people do. Like most women do. Like a majority of black women do. 

 

It reminded me of a time that another nurse said well it looks like you’re happy so I’m sure you’re not depressed. Telling people that they can’t be depressed because they look happy happy is such an ugly stigma. 

 

 

So when I say that this breakthrough is personal it is overcoming my obstacles is super selfish I take so much pride in knowing that I’m tougher than I think and way more temper then I gave myself credit for and now that I know I have all the tools and resources to be stronger I feel that I have a better grip on how I can control my depression. 

 

I have a much deeper understanding of who I am and how I got to this point there’s also a list of things and thoughts that I need to decondition myself from. 

 

I know who my friends are and who my friends aren’t. 

 

Always being the lender and never the borrower makes it hard as fuck to ask for help when needed. 

 

Your support system can legit make or break you. 

 

Hustling is mad uncomfortable. I legit didn’t think that my body could function on less than 6 hours of sleep. But here I am….functioning and shit. 

 

The feeling of powerlessness and helplessness is only in my mind. 

 

I needed to break down. I needed to fall apart. I needed to sit down. I needed to be lost. I needed to find myself again. 

 

So while I didn’t get the summer that I wanted, I got the summer that I needed.

 

A not so hot girl summer.

 

P.S. If you’re in this boat. Reach out. You’re not alone. I promise. People just aren’t transparent because it’s painful to admit. You’re loved. You’re valuable. And most importantly, You’re more powerful than you think!

 

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

 

1-800-273-TALK

1-800-273-8255